Christmas. It’s supposed to be a
magical time filled with joy and family. But for me, Christmas just hasn’t been
the same for the last four years. The first Christmas without Pawpaw was one of
the worst. I was an emotional wreck the entire week, and I can only imagine how
much harder it was for my mom. I always reminisce more than usual around this
time, and I have to say, this was probably the loneliest Christmas has felt
since we lost Pawpaw. Today was my first Christmas spent in my Pawpaw’s home,
and the pain of his loss hit me harder than it had in months.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m so thankful for
the friends and family that I do still have. They have made it possible to get
through this rough time. So much has happened this year to just make this year
seem a little less worth celebrating. Graduation last spring caused so many
friendships to sour and wither away, leaving me with maybe two or three true
friends. College began and homesickness set in, leaving me depressed and lost
completely.
Many of you know that my real
father has not been in my life for about four years. Today made exactly four
years since I had seen him and spent time with him, so it was a little
upsetting. As I age and mature, I’m realizing that holding grudges just isn’t
worth it. But I refuse to let him break my heart and his promises again. After
the year I’ve had, I don’t think I can take any more heartache. With that being
said. I cannot begin to forgive him until he can prove that he has changed.
Today, when my youngest sister saw her father, it really brought up unresolved
feelings for my father, and made me wish that we had a good relationship.
Very few people know that I have
two half-brothers, Bryson and Austin.
It’s been just over two and a half years since I’ve seen or heard from
Bryson, even though he lives less than twenty minutes from me. I don’t think I
could tell you how long it’s been since I’ve seen Austin. Thankfully, Austin
and I have connected over Facebook and I’m hoping to be able to see him again
next year. Still, when Christmas comes around, I can’t help but miss my little
brothers that I barely know anymore. They’re growing up and I hate that I’m not
there for it.
I don’t want to leave on a sour
note, I know there are good things that have happened this year. I graduated, I
met some amazing new friends at UNCG, I finally turned 18, and my heart has
exploded with unexpected happiness. This has been a good year. This was a good
Christmas. Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and Happy New Year loves.
