Christmastime

Christmas. It’s supposed to be a magical time filled with joy and family. But for me, Christmas just hasn’t been the same for the last four years. The first Christmas without Pawpaw was one of the worst. I was an emotional wreck the entire week, and I can only imagine how much harder it was for my mom. I always reminisce more than usual around this time, and I have to say, this was probably the loneliest Christmas has felt since we lost Pawpaw. Today was my first Christmas spent in my Pawpaw’s home, and the pain of his loss hit me harder than it had in months.

 Now don’t get me wrong, I’m so thankful for the friends and family that I do still have. They have made it possible to get through this rough time. So much has happened this year to just make this year seem a little less worth celebrating. Graduation last spring caused so many friendships to sour and wither away, leaving me with maybe two or three true friends. College began and homesickness set in, leaving me depressed and lost completely.

Many of you know that my real father has not been in my life for about four years. Today made exactly four years since I had seen him and spent time with him, so it was a little upsetting. As I age and mature, I’m realizing that holding grudges just isn’t worth it. But I refuse to let him break my heart and his promises again. After the year I’ve had, I don’t think I can take any more heartache. With that being said. I cannot begin to forgive him until he can prove that he has changed. Today, when my youngest sister saw her father, it really brought up unresolved feelings for my father, and made me wish that we had a good relationship.

Very few people know that I have two half-brothers, Bryson and Austin.  It’s been just over two and a half years since I’ve seen or heard from Bryson, even though he lives less than twenty minutes from me. I don’t think I could tell you how long it’s been since I’ve seen Austin. Thankfully, Austin and I have connected over Facebook and I’m hoping to be able to see him again next year. Still, when Christmas comes around, I can’t help but miss my little brothers that I barely know anymore. They’re growing up and I hate that I’m not there for it.

I don’t want to leave on a sour note, I know there are good things that have happened this year. I graduated, I met some amazing new friends at UNCG, I finally turned 18, and my heart has exploded with unexpected happiness. This has been a good year. This was a good Christmas. Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and Happy New Year loves.