Storytime

I think it’s time for a little story. I just don’t quite know where to start. Maybe the beginning? (Okay, this is gonna be really difficult and hears to hoping I can get through this without bursting into tears.) We met in August/September. I can’t remember the exact day, just that we were in ROTC together. He was a senior. About to go into the Navy. I was a junior, and still adamant about teaching. Our story really doesn’t start until the following spring. It was April, and we ran into each other at school, after not seeing each other since the new semester started in January. Our friendship was stronger than ever. But something more was there, and we both knew it. We started dating in late April of 2015 and life was great. For about two weeks.

                I know y’all are so tired of hearing about this asshat, but sadly, I fell for his shit once again, and decided to break things off with a guy who made me truly happy, for some asshole who changed his mind the second I made up mine. He was so angry, and had every right to be. I fucked up and I admit that now. A few weeks later, I realized my mistake. He was so good to me and I chose some ass that didn’t care about me at all. The second I realized what I did, I tried to get him back. And for some crazy reason, he finally took me back.

                Things were amazing for the next month and a half. My family loved him, I loved him and he treated me like a princess. We spent most of the summer laughing and just enjoying each other’s company. But August was fast approaching, and we watched as the day he was to be shipped out draw near. About a month before, everything seemed to pile up in my mind. The asshat was back in my life, his ship-out date was fast-approaching, my “friends” were beginning to question us, and let’s face it: I was sixteen. He was my first real boyfriend and everything was moving way too fast and I was way too immature to handle it all. So, I made the worst mistake of my life and broke up with him once again.

                The next few months I spent avoiding him and my mistakes. I tried to focus on school. My senior year was hectic enough that I was able to avoid thinking much about him. But after graduation and I was able to get away for a while, I realized that I really messed up our friendship. Last July, I tried to begin patching things up between us. Our friendship stumbled along for a few months, sometimes working and sometimes not. But we tried. I finally explained to him what happened the previous summer and we moved past it. I knew that I wanted to be with him, but I didn’t push him. I knew he had a lot on his plate and didn’t need the drama that was my life. I tried to keep him at a small distance, so I wouldn’t get attached. Well, I kinda failed at that. By mid-December, I realized I was falling again. And so much harder than before.

                Suddenly, he changed his mind. I’m still trying to understand what happened. Did he realize that he could do much better than me? Did something happen with his ex-girlfriend? I still don’t have answers. All I know is suddenly he realized that he wasn’t ready for a relationship and told me to move on. But it was too late. My heart was already his. I’ll admit, I cried a lot when he told me this. I was an emotional wreck for days, it took everything in me to hold the tears back anytime I thought about him. Even now, almost a month later, I still randomly think of him and it takes all of my self-control not to burst into tears.

                There’s no words to explain how a heartbreak feels. You quite literally feel like you’ve been ripped in two and your head hurts from all the crying and numbness that follows. I’ve gone over every possible reason a thousand times and I still can’t seem to figure out what I did wrong. Was it revenge for what I did in 2015? Did he really hold on to a grudge that long?? The only thing I know is that my heart is in pieces, and I can’t begin to put it back together on my own.