A Bad Week

Have you ever had a week where it feels like nothing is going your way and you just want to crawl under your covers and sleep forever? Yeah, that’s about how my life has gone for the past two weeks.

For those of you who don’t know, I have really bad hip and knee problems. Usually when the seasons change, and when the weather is extremely hot or cold, my joints will ache. Mostly it’s a dull, achy type of pain, but on bad days, it’s a sharp stabbing pain that leaves me nearly unable to walk. I’m working with my doctor on diagnosing it, but after extensive research and discussions with my friend that suffers from a form of Arthritis, I worry that arthritis is the problem.

In my state, around this time of year, the weather is all over the place. For a few days it will be warm weather, then it’s as if winter came overnight. This usually continues for the entire month of October, and occasionally part of November. So when the weather began the fluctuate, my joints began to ache. The last two weeks have involved an almost constant pain. On the colder days, it has been really bad. The sharp pains will appear out of nowhere, and Advil can only help so much. On top of that, allergy season is upon us.

So physically, my week has been bad enough. Mentally, I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. If you hadn’t figured it out from my last blog post, I made the decision to no longer speak to someone who meant a lot to me. Not being able to go to him and talk like we used to has made this week so much worse. This was a boy that knew everything about me and knew the exact words to help me through any situation because he knew me. Trying to forget about him has proven harder than I thought.

 I still think about him every day. I still look at all our old pictures and end up reminiscing for hours when I try to delete them. I still hope that he’ll text me and everything will be okay again. But I also know that I should have left him in the past a long time ago but I just can’t seem to let go. I know that he is not what I need and that I need to find someone who will love me the way I love them. But on weeks like these when it feels like everything is against me, including my own body, I want to go running back into his arms whether he wants me there or not. Because it feels like home with him. And I’m homesick.

I keep telling myself that tomorrow is a new day. That’s what you’ve gotta do on a week like this. Take every day as it happens. But try not to let one bad day ruin your week and don’t let one bad week or two ruin your month. I keep telling myself that I’ve made it through so much worse, and I can make it through this.

Letting Go

“One of the hardest things you will ever have to do, my dear, is to grieve the loss of a person who is still alive.”                    -Unknown

I’m not gonna lie. Leaving someone in the past hurts. Leaving behind the boy that meant everything to you hurts. It hurts so damn much that you can’t even get out of bed every day. It’s not silent tears and after a few months everything is okay again and you can think about him and smile. No, this is so much worse. It’s waking up and realizing that he is no longer in your life. It leaves you shaking and so numb that tears won’t even come to your eyes. It’s wanting to go running back to him so many times and sometimes it must be repeated until you can survive the pain. It’s falling to pieces every night and forcing yourself out of bed the next day. You force yourself to get up and move about your life as if he never existed. And hopefully, you reach the magical point where it just doesn’t hurt as much. But until you reach that point, you fight, curse and cry every damn day.

But here’s the thing: you know in your heart that it has to be done. You know that you must now leave this toxic human being in your past and never allow them to hurt you again. And here’s how you gotta do it.

Delete every single picture, every single text, and everything in between. You literally destroy any evidence of their existence. You delete and unfollow them on any and all social media. You stay busy, because if you allow yourself the time, I promise you will fall to pieces every time and allow him right back into your life. Delete all those sad quotes on your phone and stop listening to the songs that remind you of him. And don’t forget: if he wanted to be in your life, he would have made an effort.

You Gotta Just Do You, Boo.

You gotta just do you, boo.

This phrase. I cannot count on two hands the number of times I have said this, to my friends and to myself. For my friends, this usually comes after a break-up or some other form of heartbreak. “Maybe you just need to stay single for a while and just do you, boo.” Now, this hardly ever works because let’s be honest: no one listens to someone trying to comfort you when your heartbroken. All you can think about is the pain. But when you do drag yourself out of the burning hell of heartbreak, you remember those words. You remember the words that your friends spoke to you when trying to comfort you.

Here's the deal. You gotta do you first. You have to focus on you, focus on restoring your own sanity before you can deal with the insanity that is another human being. I don’t care how many people disagree with me. Trust me on this. The moment you love yourself, a whole new world opens to you. You see things in a completely different light. Loving yourself makes your whole life seems brighter.

I know it’s not easy to love yourself. Hell, I still struggle with myself every day. I’m still working on loving myself. But I promise you, putting your entire happiness into one person is not the answer to loving yourself. I battled this for a long time. And it sucks, because when they leave, so does your happiness. Put your happiness in things: hobbies, passions, and occasionally people. But do not put everything you are into one person because that’s when you lose yourself. That is when you lose who you really are.

I’m getting off topic. My point here is: find yourself before you try to find love. If you don’t know who you are, how will anyone else? Sometimes, you have to do life by yourself before you can do it with someone else. And that is perfectly okay. Don’t force yourself to stay in relationships with people who won’t matter to you in ten-twenty years. Stop believing in this stupid social construct that you have the be in a relationship to be happy.

And above all else, just do you, boo.

The Stages of Grief

I'm not sure how to start this one. This is something that, for so long, I've avoided talking or writing about it, so I apologize for any mistakes and poor grammar.
Since moving to UNCG, I've missed my Pawpaw more than I have since he first passed. I think writing it all down might help a little bit. So, for those that are emotional like me, I suggest getting the tissues ready. This is going to take a while.

I don't really remember how old I was when they took my Grandfather's nose. I just remember going to visit, and my mom saying that he wasn't a monster, that the doctors had to take away his nose to make him better.
My Pawpaw, Jacob Culpepper Presley, was diagnosed with Lymphoma when I was younger. I can't remember the exact year, I just remember being too young to understand. In an attempt to remove the cancer, the doctors removed his nose. But it was too late. He spent the next seven or so years fighting himself every single day. The chemo and radiation worked for a while, but there was only so much it could do.
The things I remember well about my Pawpaw? He only drank his coffee black, and drank it whether it was summer, winter, morning or night. He wore these flannel shirts every day. He had a mouth like a sailor. He was always so stubborn. He was a fighter. He tried to stay strong for every one else while he was slowly losing a battle with his own body.
By June of 2013, his health was just getting worse and worse. I was fourteen. I had just finished my freshman year of high school. I tried to spend as much time with him as possible. But it is so hard to see the strongest man you ever knew, wasting away.
In mid-July, my great-grandmother had an awful stroke, one that made it impossible for her to eat. She was immediately admitted to Hospice. She passed away on July 24th, 2013.
The night my Granny passed away, I was staying at my Mawmaw and Pawpaw's house, since my mom was at Hospice with Granny. I was awake when we got the call just past midnight.
I remember going into the living room a few minutes later. Pawpaw's hospital bed was set up there. He was asleep, but I just sat there on the couch, praying that I didn't lose him too. When my mom came to get us, I hugged him hard and told him how much I loved him. That was the last time I saw him. He passed away July 28th, just past midnight.
Losing one grandparent is a hard thing to go through. Losing two, within days of each other? That's a pain that I still can't describe.
Every website says there are five stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. But no website can accurately describe what it's like to lose someone you care about. I've gone through the five stages multiple times. When I first returned to my Mawmaw's  house after my Pawpaw passed (nearly three years later) I almost expected to see my Pawpaw sitting in his favorite chair, with his cowboy coffee mug and a cigarette in his hand.
No website or other person can describe this pain, can put a timeline on how long you will grieve. I'm going to give it to you honestly: you're gonna grieve for the rest of your life. You'll see something or hear a song that reminds you of them and you'll lose it all over again.
I wish I could say there is a way to move on completely. But there isn't. You'll have bad days. And you'll have good days. You'll fight yourself and you might even lose your faith. But the only thing you can do is pick yourself back up and go on with your day. You try not to think about it a lot and when you do, you remember the good times. It's been over three years since I lost them, and still can't hear "Go Rest High On That Mountain" or "When I Get Where I'm Going" without bursting into tears.
I had my first dream in years about my Pawpaw last night. I barely recognized him. He was healthy. But he was smiling and happy and it made me smile and. I like to think that this was the Lord's way of telling me that he's watching over me from heaven.

I apologize for any tears shed or any grammar mistakes. This has been on my mind for the last month and just really needed to get all of this out. Thanks to those that read all of this. And I promise my next post won't be so depressing.

Until next time,
KPrezz.

Why am I doing this again?

So, I'd really just like to introduce myself before I start posting a lot of deep, meaningful posts.
Hi. My name is Katie. 18. INFP. Small town girl. Occasional Photographer. Freshman at UNC Greensboro. And I'm not quite sure why I'm doing this blog. Maybe I just want to rant, maybe I feel like this will keep me grounded as I reach for the stars. Or maybe I'm just avoiding studying for midterms at the moment.
Here's the sitch. I started college almost two months ago, and if I'm being honest, I'm struggling. I'm homesick a lot. I miss my mom. I miss my dogs. I am completely sleep-deprived. The meal-plan sucks. I'm broke. I'm failing eight classes even though I'm only taking five (just kidding, mom. I'm passing somehow). I've been sick half of the month. And I can't seem to give myself the fresh start I wanted.
I thought that by being here, I could have a fresh start. I thought that maybe I could finally be me. Spoiler alert: I still have no idea who I am. I wanted to come here and completely reimagine myself: lose some weight, get right with God and leave my past where it belongs: in the past.
Now don't get me wrong, I am trying so hard to become a better Christian. But, let's be honest, the only reason I haven't gained the freshman 15 yet is because I'm not exactly eating on a normal schedule. And my past? Please. That is still sitting firmly right in front of my face. And I can't seem to find the strength to finally push it out of the way.
With all of this said, I still have no idea what exactly this blog is going to consist of. Maybe one week it will be about my amazing weekend with my favorite Peurtorican. Perhaps I'll go more in depth about my past and why I can't leave it be. Or maybe I'll just rant about how awful my week has been. I don't know, but I hope you guys find my adventures (or lack thereof) entertaining.

Until next time,
KPrezz,