The Stages of Grief

I'm not sure how to start this one. This is something that, for so long, I've avoided talking or writing about it, so I apologize for any mistakes and poor grammar.
Since moving to UNCG, I've missed my Pawpaw more than I have since he first passed. I think writing it all down might help a little bit. So, for those that are emotional like me, I suggest getting the tissues ready. This is going to take a while.

I don't really remember how old I was when they took my Grandfather's nose. I just remember going to visit, and my mom saying that he wasn't a monster, that the doctors had to take away his nose to make him better.
My Pawpaw, Jacob Culpepper Presley, was diagnosed with Lymphoma when I was younger. I can't remember the exact year, I just remember being too young to understand. In an attempt to remove the cancer, the doctors removed his nose. But it was too late. He spent the next seven or so years fighting himself every single day. The chemo and radiation worked for a while, but there was only so much it could do.
The things I remember well about my Pawpaw? He only drank his coffee black, and drank it whether it was summer, winter, morning or night. He wore these flannel shirts every day. He had a mouth like a sailor. He was always so stubborn. He was a fighter. He tried to stay strong for every one else while he was slowly losing a battle with his own body.
By June of 2013, his health was just getting worse and worse. I was fourteen. I had just finished my freshman year of high school. I tried to spend as much time with him as possible. But it is so hard to see the strongest man you ever knew, wasting away.
In mid-July, my great-grandmother had an awful stroke, one that made it impossible for her to eat. She was immediately admitted to Hospice. She passed away on July 24th, 2013.
The night my Granny passed away, I was staying at my Mawmaw and Pawpaw's house, since my mom was at Hospice with Granny. I was awake when we got the call just past midnight.
I remember going into the living room a few minutes later. Pawpaw's hospital bed was set up there. He was asleep, but I just sat there on the couch, praying that I didn't lose him too. When my mom came to get us, I hugged him hard and told him how much I loved him. That was the last time I saw him. He passed away July 28th, just past midnight.
Losing one grandparent is a hard thing to go through. Losing two, within days of each other? That's a pain that I still can't describe.
Every website says there are five stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. But no website can accurately describe what it's like to lose someone you care about. I've gone through the five stages multiple times. When I first returned to my Mawmaw's  house after my Pawpaw passed (nearly three years later) I almost expected to see my Pawpaw sitting in his favorite chair, with his cowboy coffee mug and a cigarette in his hand.
No website or other person can describe this pain, can put a timeline on how long you will grieve. I'm going to give it to you honestly: you're gonna grieve for the rest of your life. You'll see something or hear a song that reminds you of them and you'll lose it all over again.
I wish I could say there is a way to move on completely. But there isn't. You'll have bad days. And you'll have good days. You'll fight yourself and you might even lose your faith. But the only thing you can do is pick yourself back up and go on with your day. You try not to think about it a lot and when you do, you remember the good times. It's been over three years since I lost them, and still can't hear "Go Rest High On That Mountain" or "When I Get Where I'm Going" without bursting into tears.
I had my first dream in years about my Pawpaw last night. I barely recognized him. He was healthy. But he was smiling and happy and it made me smile and. I like to think that this was the Lord's way of telling me that he's watching over me from heaven.

I apologize for any tears shed or any grammar mistakes. This has been on my mind for the last month and just really needed to get all of this out. Thanks to those that read all of this. And I promise my next post won't be so depressing.

Until next time,
KPrezz.