Christmastime

Christmas. It’s supposed to be a magical time filled with joy and family. But for me, Christmas just hasn’t been the same for the last four years. The first Christmas without Pawpaw was one of the worst. I was an emotional wreck the entire week, and I can only imagine how much harder it was for my mom. I always reminisce more than usual around this time, and I have to say, this was probably the loneliest Christmas has felt since we lost Pawpaw. Today was my first Christmas spent in my Pawpaw’s home, and the pain of his loss hit me harder than it had in months.

 Now don’t get me wrong, I’m so thankful for the friends and family that I do still have. They have made it possible to get through this rough time. So much has happened this year to just make this year seem a little less worth celebrating. Graduation last spring caused so many friendships to sour and wither away, leaving me with maybe two or three true friends. College began and homesickness set in, leaving me depressed and lost completely.

Many of you know that my real father has not been in my life for about four years. Today made exactly four years since I had seen him and spent time with him, so it was a little upsetting. As I age and mature, I’m realizing that holding grudges just isn’t worth it. But I refuse to let him break my heart and his promises again. After the year I’ve had, I don’t think I can take any more heartache. With that being said. I cannot begin to forgive him until he can prove that he has changed. Today, when my youngest sister saw her father, it really brought up unresolved feelings for my father, and made me wish that we had a good relationship.

Very few people know that I have two half-brothers, Bryson and Austin.  It’s been just over two and a half years since I’ve seen or heard from Bryson, even though he lives less than twenty minutes from me. I don’t think I could tell you how long it’s been since I’ve seen Austin. Thankfully, Austin and I have connected over Facebook and I’m hoping to be able to see him again next year. Still, when Christmas comes around, I can’t help but miss my little brothers that I barely know anymore. They’re growing up and I hate that I’m not there for it.

I don’t want to leave on a sour note, I know there are good things that have happened this year. I graduated, I met some amazing new friends at UNCG, I finally turned 18, and my heart has exploded with unexpected happiness. This has been a good year. This was a good Christmas. Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and Happy New Year loves.

And I forgive you.

And I forgive you.

                “Forgive and forget.” I hate this line, much more than I’ve ever hated any single person in my life. This line is so stupid and pointless and it makes no sense. Why would you forgive someone that doesn’t deserve it? Why would you forget that something hurt you? Everyone always tells me, “Katie, you’ve got to learn to let things go.” No. I do not. Because I am a human being. I hold grudges. I hate people. I’ve made my own mistakes. And I’ve realized that you sometimes need to forgive. But you never forget. If something or someone has hurt you, you remember it. And you don’t allow yourself to get hurt again just because you forgave. So this is me forgiving you.

                Here’s the kicker: you never fucking apologized. You walked all over me for nearly three years and I can’t let this current hatred for you ruin the rest of my life. The only way I can move on and be truly happy with him is if I forgive you for everything you put me through. 

These last years with you in my life have been a rollercoaster. Sometimes we’d be at an all-time high, and other times we reached a new low. It was an emotional mess. I was an emotional mess. I lost myself while searching for you and I’m not okay with that anymore. I’m ready to finally let go of you forever, and the only way I can do that is by forgiving you.

                I forgive you for every night spent crying my eyes out because you chose her again. I forgive you for the sleepless nights that have haunted me for the last month. I forgive you for ignoring me for so long that you made me realize that I’m so tired of depending on you. I’ve spent the last three years being almost dependent on having you in my life. I had it set in my mind that you were the one person that knew the exact words to say to me when I had a bad night. I was so set on the idea that I needed you to make it through the worst days that I never realized that I made it through the worst days without you. And my worst days were because of you.

                And I’m honestly glad that I’ve realized this because I have a great guy that is actually there for me when I need him and I neglected him because of you. He makes me happy all the time, not just whenever he feels like it. He’s the one I want to spend the rest of my life with and by letting you go from my mind, I can finally put my everything into him.

                So I forgive you for everything you put me through, because you helped me reach this point all on my own. I hope your life is filled with wonderful and amazing moments and I hope that one day I can look back on these years and remember you with a smile on my face. I can never forget what you put me through, but I do forgive you.

                And most importantly, I forgive myself for what I put me through.

A Bad Week

Have you ever had a week where it feels like nothing is going your way and you just want to crawl under your covers and sleep forever? Yeah, that’s about how my life has gone for the past two weeks.

For those of you who don’t know, I have really bad hip and knee problems. Usually when the seasons change, and when the weather is extremely hot or cold, my joints will ache. Mostly it’s a dull, achy type of pain, but on bad days, it’s a sharp stabbing pain that leaves me nearly unable to walk. I’m working with my doctor on diagnosing it, but after extensive research and discussions with my friend that suffers from a form of Arthritis, I worry that arthritis is the problem.

In my state, around this time of year, the weather is all over the place. For a few days it will be warm weather, then it’s as if winter came overnight. This usually continues for the entire month of October, and occasionally part of November. So when the weather began the fluctuate, my joints began to ache. The last two weeks have involved an almost constant pain. On the colder days, it has been really bad. The sharp pains will appear out of nowhere, and Advil can only help so much. On top of that, allergy season is upon us.

So physically, my week has been bad enough. Mentally, I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. If you hadn’t figured it out from my last blog post, I made the decision to no longer speak to someone who meant a lot to me. Not being able to go to him and talk like we used to has made this week so much worse. This was a boy that knew everything about me and knew the exact words to help me through any situation because he knew me. Trying to forget about him has proven harder than I thought.

 I still think about him every day. I still look at all our old pictures and end up reminiscing for hours when I try to delete them. I still hope that he’ll text me and everything will be okay again. But I also know that I should have left him in the past a long time ago but I just can’t seem to let go. I know that he is not what I need and that I need to find someone who will love me the way I love them. But on weeks like these when it feels like everything is against me, including my own body, I want to go running back into his arms whether he wants me there or not. Because it feels like home with him. And I’m homesick.

I keep telling myself that tomorrow is a new day. That’s what you’ve gotta do on a week like this. Take every day as it happens. But try not to let one bad day ruin your week and don’t let one bad week or two ruin your month. I keep telling myself that I’ve made it through so much worse, and I can make it through this.

Letting Go

“One of the hardest things you will ever have to do, my dear, is to grieve the loss of a person who is still alive.”                    -Unknown

I’m not gonna lie. Leaving someone in the past hurts. Leaving behind the boy that meant everything to you hurts. It hurts so damn much that you can’t even get out of bed every day. It’s not silent tears and after a few months everything is okay again and you can think about him and smile. No, this is so much worse. It’s waking up and realizing that he is no longer in your life. It leaves you shaking and so numb that tears won’t even come to your eyes. It’s wanting to go running back to him so many times and sometimes it must be repeated until you can survive the pain. It’s falling to pieces every night and forcing yourself out of bed the next day. You force yourself to get up and move about your life as if he never existed. And hopefully, you reach the magical point where it just doesn’t hurt as much. But until you reach that point, you fight, curse and cry every damn day.

But here’s the thing: you know in your heart that it has to be done. You know that you must now leave this toxic human being in your past and never allow them to hurt you again. And here’s how you gotta do it.

Delete every single picture, every single text, and everything in between. You literally destroy any evidence of their existence. You delete and unfollow them on any and all social media. You stay busy, because if you allow yourself the time, I promise you will fall to pieces every time and allow him right back into your life. Delete all those sad quotes on your phone and stop listening to the songs that remind you of him. And don’t forget: if he wanted to be in your life, he would have made an effort.

You Gotta Just Do You, Boo.

You gotta just do you, boo.

This phrase. I cannot count on two hands the number of times I have said this, to my friends and to myself. For my friends, this usually comes after a break-up or some other form of heartbreak. “Maybe you just need to stay single for a while and just do you, boo.” Now, this hardly ever works because let’s be honest: no one listens to someone trying to comfort you when your heartbroken. All you can think about is the pain. But when you do drag yourself out of the burning hell of heartbreak, you remember those words. You remember the words that your friends spoke to you when trying to comfort you.

Here's the deal. You gotta do you first. You have to focus on you, focus on restoring your own sanity before you can deal with the insanity that is another human being. I don’t care how many people disagree with me. Trust me on this. The moment you love yourself, a whole new world opens to you. You see things in a completely different light. Loving yourself makes your whole life seems brighter.

I know it’s not easy to love yourself. Hell, I still struggle with myself every day. I’m still working on loving myself. But I promise you, putting your entire happiness into one person is not the answer to loving yourself. I battled this for a long time. And it sucks, because when they leave, so does your happiness. Put your happiness in things: hobbies, passions, and occasionally people. But do not put everything you are into one person because that’s when you lose yourself. That is when you lose who you really are.

I’m getting off topic. My point here is: find yourself before you try to find love. If you don’t know who you are, how will anyone else? Sometimes, you have to do life by yourself before you can do it with someone else. And that is perfectly okay. Don’t force yourself to stay in relationships with people who won’t matter to you in ten-twenty years. Stop believing in this stupid social construct that you have the be in a relationship to be happy.

And above all else, just do you, boo.

The Stages of Grief

I'm not sure how to start this one. This is something that, for so long, I've avoided talking or writing about it, so I apologize for any mistakes and poor grammar.
Since moving to UNCG, I've missed my Pawpaw more than I have since he first passed. I think writing it all down might help a little bit. So, for those that are emotional like me, I suggest getting the tissues ready. This is going to take a while.

I don't really remember how old I was when they took my Grandfather's nose. I just remember going to visit, and my mom saying that he wasn't a monster, that the doctors had to take away his nose to make him better.
My Pawpaw, Jacob Culpepper Presley, was diagnosed with Lymphoma when I was younger. I can't remember the exact year, I just remember being too young to understand. In an attempt to remove the cancer, the doctors removed his nose. But it was too late. He spent the next seven or so years fighting himself every single day. The chemo and radiation worked for a while, but there was only so much it could do.
The things I remember well about my Pawpaw? He only drank his coffee black, and drank it whether it was summer, winter, morning or night. He wore these flannel shirts every day. He had a mouth like a sailor. He was always so stubborn. He was a fighter. He tried to stay strong for every one else while he was slowly losing a battle with his own body.
By June of 2013, his health was just getting worse and worse. I was fourteen. I had just finished my freshman year of high school. I tried to spend as much time with him as possible. But it is so hard to see the strongest man you ever knew, wasting away.
In mid-July, my great-grandmother had an awful stroke, one that made it impossible for her to eat. She was immediately admitted to Hospice. She passed away on July 24th, 2013.
The night my Granny passed away, I was staying at my Mawmaw and Pawpaw's house, since my mom was at Hospice with Granny. I was awake when we got the call just past midnight.
I remember going into the living room a few minutes later. Pawpaw's hospital bed was set up there. He was asleep, but I just sat there on the couch, praying that I didn't lose him too. When my mom came to get us, I hugged him hard and told him how much I loved him. That was the last time I saw him. He passed away July 28th, just past midnight.
Losing one grandparent is a hard thing to go through. Losing two, within days of each other? That's a pain that I still can't describe.
Every website says there are five stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. But no website can accurately describe what it's like to lose someone you care about. I've gone through the five stages multiple times. When I first returned to my Mawmaw's  house after my Pawpaw passed (nearly three years later) I almost expected to see my Pawpaw sitting in his favorite chair, with his cowboy coffee mug and a cigarette in his hand.
No website or other person can describe this pain, can put a timeline on how long you will grieve. I'm going to give it to you honestly: you're gonna grieve for the rest of your life. You'll see something or hear a song that reminds you of them and you'll lose it all over again.
I wish I could say there is a way to move on completely. But there isn't. You'll have bad days. And you'll have good days. You'll fight yourself and you might even lose your faith. But the only thing you can do is pick yourself back up and go on with your day. You try not to think about it a lot and when you do, you remember the good times. It's been over three years since I lost them, and still can't hear "Go Rest High On That Mountain" or "When I Get Where I'm Going" without bursting into tears.
I had my first dream in years about my Pawpaw last night. I barely recognized him. He was healthy. But he was smiling and happy and it made me smile and. I like to think that this was the Lord's way of telling me that he's watching over me from heaven.

I apologize for any tears shed or any grammar mistakes. This has been on my mind for the last month and just really needed to get all of this out. Thanks to those that read all of this. And I promise my next post won't be so depressing.

Until next time,
KPrezz.

Why am I doing this again?

So, I'd really just like to introduce myself before I start posting a lot of deep, meaningful posts.
Hi. My name is Katie. 18. INFP. Small town girl. Occasional Photographer. Freshman at UNC Greensboro. And I'm not quite sure why I'm doing this blog. Maybe I just want to rant, maybe I feel like this will keep me grounded as I reach for the stars. Or maybe I'm just avoiding studying for midterms at the moment.
Here's the sitch. I started college almost two months ago, and if I'm being honest, I'm struggling. I'm homesick a lot. I miss my mom. I miss my dogs. I am completely sleep-deprived. The meal-plan sucks. I'm broke. I'm failing eight classes even though I'm only taking five (just kidding, mom. I'm passing somehow). I've been sick half of the month. And I can't seem to give myself the fresh start I wanted.
I thought that by being here, I could have a fresh start. I thought that maybe I could finally be me. Spoiler alert: I still have no idea who I am. I wanted to come here and completely reimagine myself: lose some weight, get right with God and leave my past where it belongs: in the past.
Now don't get me wrong, I am trying so hard to become a better Christian. But, let's be honest, the only reason I haven't gained the freshman 15 yet is because I'm not exactly eating on a normal schedule. And my past? Please. That is still sitting firmly right in front of my face. And I can't seem to find the strength to finally push it out of the way.
With all of this said, I still have no idea what exactly this blog is going to consist of. Maybe one week it will be about my amazing weekend with my favorite Peurtorican. Perhaps I'll go more in depth about my past and why I can't leave it be. Or maybe I'll just rant about how awful my week has been. I don't know, but I hope you guys find my adventures (or lack thereof) entertaining.

Until next time,
KPrezz,